Among the young adults raised in the age of technology who did not end up with their high school sweetheart, Tinder and Hinge quite common to find on the modern phone. In fact, three-in-ten U.S. adults report having used dating sites or apps (Vogels, 2023). However, for many of my friends in their early to mid twenties, the dating app process makes people jaded and worn down. Meeting organically seems to be preferable, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t hundreds of thousands of singles using these apps right now. So what kind of people are on these apps? In this post, I’ll discuss the attachment styles associated with dating app use, and how all of it connects to symbolic interactionism.
First: what distinguishes app dating to other forms of dating, or even online dating? Online dating and app dating are similar in the way that both allow the user to view the self-reported traits, hobbies, and dating preferences of other singles. However, the Tinder method of searching for “the one” comes with the portability and convenience that web-based sites did not. This translates to a quick-form likes or rejection system for other singles within the immediate geographic location. Though some may definitely choose to fill up their profiles, there are seas of description-less faces on these apps that demonstrate the importance of aesthetics and visuals over shared interests. Overall, there isn’t much of a hassle to join in on the pool and connect with others. This proves itself to be effective, as Tinder is the most used site among dating site users (Vogels, 2023).
Attachment Theory
Attachment theory of mate selection is the drive toward social and emotional connection. This need for intimacy is formed in early childhood by the parents, and maintained throughout the adult life. This theory is characterized by four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and anxious-avoidant. Being secure meant being raised with love and support from responsive caregivers, which allows for the ability to healthily connect with others in the adult life. Anxious attachment styles in childhood are characterized by insecurity toward their caregiver, while those who are avoidant tended to avoid intimacy with their caregiver. A mix of the two — disorganized, or anxious-avoidant — would manifest in a desire for closeness with a parent who is the source of that child’s anxiety. (Esguerra, 2023).
Those with secure attachment styles tend to have healthy adult relationships that are trusting and lasting. There is no fear of conflict or commitment, and they are able to be independent on their own. On the other hand, as the other styles grow into adulthood, they tend to have difficulty forming fulfilling relationships. Anxious styles may struggle with boundaries, or codependency with their partner. Avoidant styles avoid relationships completely, or gravitate toward relationships with little emotional intimacy. Those with the mixed style may end up with problems of jealousy, or pull away at the perception of rejection.
Seeing online dating and attachment through the Symbolic Interactionist framework
Symbolic interactionism revolves around the ways in which behavior and relationships are influenced by interaction and culture. This is through shared meanings, gestures, and definitions (Esguerra, 2023). The normalization of online dating through the years expresses this, and its use among young adults has become a rite of passage. Years ago, online and app dating were seen as a bit “desperate.” As couples who met through these methods expressed their success and happiness, more people began to join these apps. Now, it’s quite the shock to hear when a single young adult hasn’t even attempted Tinder. I’ve noticed that even in my own interactions with others, it is always mentioned when someone identifies themself as single, and there is very little shame associated with its use.
When viewing through the lens of the symbolic interactionist, attachment theory certainly checks out as well. If a parent exercises healthy communication and sets boundaries with their children and others, that child understands that experience as their reality. Therefore, that child seeks and encourages healthy relationships.
If a parent avoids emotional connection with their child, that behavior is then normalized, and attachment avoidance becomes present. Because they never experienced relationships or interactions that emphasized intimacy and closeness, they will not seek or carry out those kinds of relationships. As someone who is has self-reported avoidant attachment, this experience made me understand my own tendencies. Although my parents provided financially and all my physical needs were always met, hugs were incredibly rare and conversations always involved my education. Throughout childhood, I always struggled with embracing others and with making lasting relationships. It wasn’t until recently where a friendship that involved a lot of physical affection reframed my perspective.
So… what does this have to do with who’s on my feed? Based off of previous conversations with friends and the amount of people on apps seeking a no-strings-attached relationship, it seems avoidant attachment would be a popular style among dating app users. As someone who is self-reportedly avoidant but more likely more disorganized, I wouldn’t be surprised either — in my eyes, Tinder is a perfect way to “window shop” without getting immediately involved with another person. However, this cannot be less true. According to a study on the dating app preferences of insecure attachment styles, anxious attachment was a significant predictor for dating app use (Chin, Edelstein & Vernon, 2019). Due to the aforementioned convenience and portability of apps, the instantaneous access to local singles proves itself as an obvious avenue of pursuing intimacy for anyone who is seeking it. As for avoidants, they aren’t really seeking intimacy in the first place, but to much surprise, they aren’t on methods that have “hook-up” reputations if they are on them. According to the same study, those with avoidant attachment style are more likely to be on a site that encourages serious relationships, OKCupid (Chin, Edelstein & Vernon, 2019).
If anxiously attached people — people who are actively seeking intimacy from others — are more likely to be on apps, why aren’t meet-ups more common? If you’ve ever been on a dating app, meeting a match isn’t really normal even for those with plenty of matches. In a study of the motives and outcomes of dating app users according to their attachment style, those who were attachment anxious experienced a decreased likelihood of meeting face-to-face with their matches (Timmermans & Alexopoulos, 2020). This can possibly be due to early insecurity preventing the first meet from ever occurring rather than a complete disinterest in meeting after matching; the findings show an increased likelihood of forming a meaningful, romantic relationship if they do choose to meet (Timmermans & Alexopoulos, 2020). The density of users certainly creates a shallow and competitive nature to dating apps, and this can make the anxious user insecure. This may lead to validation-seeking behavior from their match too early on, or make them feel as though their match has too many other options.
Conclusion
As dating apps become a staple in the modern mate-seeking landscape, understanding why it’s so popular and its dimensions through sociological theory becomes more significant for both the user and the sociologist. With the knowledge that anxiously attached users are the most prevalent, it is possible for users to understand how to find those that also seek secure connections, and to shed light onto how attachment theory functions and manifests in adulthood. Hopefully, attention will shift more onto apps that foster in-person meet-ups and secure connections, while still maintaining its characteristic convenience.
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References
Vogels, E. A. (2023, February 2). Key findings about online dating in the U.S. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/02/02/key-findings-about-online-dating-in-the-u-s/
Esguerra, T. (2023). Attachment Theory. Canvas. https://csufullerton.instructure.com/courses/3414115/pages/lecture-attachment-theory?module_item_id=81387734
Esguerra, T. (2023). Symbolic Interactionist Perspective. Canvas. https://csufullerton.instructure.com/courses/3414115/pages/symbolic-interactionist-perspective?module_item_id=81255616
Chin, K., Edelstein, R. S., & Vernon, P. A. (2019). Attached to dating apps: Attachment orientations and preferences for dating apps. Mobile Media & Communication, 7(1), 41-59.
Timmermans, E., & Alexopoulos, C. (2020). Anxiously searching for love (among other things): Attachment orientation and mobile dating application users’ motives and outcomes. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 23(7), 447-452.
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